Atomizedlife’s Weblog

Having reached a certain age, having surmounted certain obstacles, having seen life go by and people go by, I am now wondering finally who I am – by defining who I am not. Is this a valid approach? May be not. But with the accumulation of noise, garbage, information overload, drifting across geographies, it is not easy to sink anchor particularly if you don’t. And I don’t. Or wont. Not sure which. My ancestral DNA is irrefutable and will not go away: I am a Maratha, grew up all over India, with most of my childhood in Asia’s most backward and poverty-stricken state of Bihar (you have visit it even now to believe the deprivation), born in a middle class family of educated, cultured folks (most of them) , a military family with its own inherited stories, sorrows and silliness. I am a Hindu by birth and by childhood enforcement but went to a strictly Catholic school and seriously believed Jesus would save me. He did not. I meandered through college in Bombay, swam to USA for a good decade or more, lived more like a nomadic hipster with strong views on being global, whatever that meant. This phrase “global nomad” has interwoven itself into my psyche for a long time. A global nomad is not necessarily one who travels globally but is able to open to ideas and constructs from everywhere and is willing to forego a few of his ancestral DNA pieces in return for a new fragment. Thus, he evolves. I think he does. So, I believe I am a global nomad. I am as moved by Cesaria Evora’s morna as I am by some Bollywood. I am as willing to understand that sorrow and loss CAN be understood down to its bare , horrific bones when stripped of the veneer of community and religion. I am as willing to listen to a terrorist, whom one meets often in daily life – the kind who verbally abuse, hit back with violence through articles, emails, speech as I am by a monk lying still. Yet, none of these compelling’s or choices of living describe who I am am. Ancestral DNA is wonderfully helpful to help give you a pret-porter identity that allows you to navigate life through people and communities. But, that means surrendering your soul to a certain extent. So often, I find defining the What I am Nots – Non-Vegetarian, Non-Normal, Non-some-people, non-Hindu…It is often isolating. There are no converts. There are no shaded trees along this way of defining your identity. But, in some ways, these years, it is the only way I know. I may be wrong. And that, in itself, is also a rudder for me in later years, I hope.